don't hate me 'cause i'm clutchiful

courtesy btf:

Avon Products Inc. has signed the New York Yankees shortstop to a deal in which it will create a men's fragrance called Driven -- "reflecting the unique personality of one of the most driven men in America," according to a news release from the company.

The fragrance, the first in a line of men's grooming products bearing Jeter's name, goes on sale in November.

"I have been very involved with creating this fragrance -- everything from the blend of scents to the design of the bottle and logo," Jeter said in the news release. "I did have some help, however. Because women buy a large percentage of the men's grooming products sold in the U.S., I asked my mother Dot and sister Sharlee to be part of the project.

"I wanted to make sure the final product was something men would like to wear -- and that women would want them to wear."

The fragrance is a blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice.

Labels: yanquis

it's like a classic june diatribe, but not!

Amazingly, such a distrust of statistics materializes in an appreciation of one of the most meaningless concepts in baseball: 'clutch.' The same penis who badmouthed 'statistics,' in a hundred different breaths (as [berman] is 300 pounds overweight), will praise the game's most 'clutch' players. 'Oh, Alex Rodriguez has a better OPS and EqA than Ortiz? More Win Shares? Yeah, shove it, because Ortiz has better Close and Late numbers!' If you've received a primary school education, you may slap me on the wrist and say, 'Michael, certainly a contra...contradiction must...be present? For you cannot celebrate a player's clutchness if you distrust statistics? Because statistics show you who is or who is not clutch?'

Very good observation, my little filly. But you are foolish. You are foolish to believe that these penises are at all rational, and that they seek to encourage a sound understanding of baseball. You are foolish to assume that these penises desire scientific inquiry. For penises are visceral, never cerebral, seeking repetitive gratification, never wondering if there's more to life than pubic hair. That's how I picture most sports fans - surrounded by the thick, sweaty, curly pubes known as their imagination.

The concept of clutch is a layman's purported triumph over the rational and objective. 'Clutch' allows them to believe in the utility of that which cannot be measured, of that which they really believe to be true but which has no bearing whatsoever to this thing called 'reality.' Small wonder that half of Americans do not believe in evolution. Mountains of data disappear in the choking mists of cliche. An intelligent man, Cyril Morong, wrote about clutch quite extensively. Reviewing a lot of data and drawing upon prior research, he concludes that clutch is pretty much meaningless. Baseball's scientific community has, through the years, relegated clutch to the wastebasket. Its existence is statistically insignificant; while it may exist, it does not appear in the available data. Think of...the ether. Or your penis. Yet so many sports fans grant it the most significance in assessing a hitter. It'd be like running a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and rewarding your workers for celebrating your birthday rather than for increasing profits. But that's actually characteristic of a mockumentary, The Office. We're supposed to laugh. The boss, we all know, is an idiot. This on the other hand is real life.

Michael Scott believes in clutch. Michael Scott is you.

I wish to abolish the word 'clutch' from the English language. Upon hearing it I unfailingly lose more brain cells than entropy requires at that moment. So, join hands with me, and instead of saying 'clutch,' say 'monkey.' Illustrations: 'David Ortiz hits very well in the monkey.' 'David Ortiz is a monkey hitter.' This makes very little sense, much like clutch, and it's borderline sexual.[queynte]

Labels: yanquis

loves it

Bobby Abreu was pulled from the lineup 10 minutes before today's game in Philadelphia. Indications are the Yankees have made a deal for Abreu and RHP Cory Lidle.

The Yankees would give up two or three prospects. One of them is expected to be SS C.J. Henry, their first-round pick from 2005 who has proven to be a bust so far. The Yankees also would give up LHP Matt Smith and possibly one other lower-level prospect. They would pick all of Abreu's salary but not his option for 2008.

He would agree to waive his no trade clause for a lump-sum payment.

More on this as the information becomes available. [lohud yankees blog]

and the first postgame word out of joe torre's mouth re what abreu brings to the team? "experience." don't forget to pack your bellyful of guts, bobby!

Labels: yanquis

oh yeah?

Kevin Hill says he has been coming to Trenton Thunder home games since he was 4.

Now 16, the Hamilton Square, N.J., resident sees about 20 to 25 games of the New York Yankees' double-A affiliate each season.

Hill said he was on a mission at Waterfront Park last night as the Thunder played the Akron Aeros.

Donning a Phillies cap and a matching red Ryan Howard jersey, Hill came with a message for Trenton pitcher Philip Hughes, the top prospect in the Yankees' farm system. The two talked before the game.

"I hope he gets traded to the Phillies," said Hill, seated next to the Thunder dugout before the game. "I even told him, 'I'll give you a dollar on top of the money the Phillies will give you.' He just smiled and said, 'That might happen.' " [philly inquirer]

i'll give him 2 sacagawea dollars and a killer blowjob to stay*. now what?

*if he had a choice. which he doesn't. but if he did........ yep.

Labels: baby bombers, pocket rocket, yanquis

:)

and from the tampa tribune:

"I'd say he had no-hitter stuff tonight," Wigginton said. "As you could tell, the two hits we got, they weren't anything special."

The Rays' other hit came an inning later, when shortstop Julio Lugo punched a low liner to the right side, off the glove of second baseman Miguel Cairo and into short right field. Lugo stole second and advanced to third on a wild pitch (which came on ball four to Carl Crawford), and that was as close as the Rays came to scoring.

The loss was the 10th straight on the road for the Rays. Their last win came June 30 at Washington, 11-1.

"I just thought I saw Mr. [Roy] Halladay out there," Devil Rays manager Joe Maddon said. "It looked like that."

By that, Maddon meant a hard sinker that forced Rays batters into 17 ground-ball outs, similar to the command and force of will displayed by Halladay, Toronto's former Cy Young Award winner.

from btf's notes in a minor key:

Don’t Look Back, Something Might Be Gaining On You

On April 17, the Trenton Thunder (EL) defeated the Altoona Curve, 9-0, as Steven White and T.J. Beam combined on a four-hit shutout. This game was noteworthy for two reasons:

1. It was Trenton’s first victory of 2006, following a club-record 10-game losing streak to start the season, and
2. Immediately after the game, the Thunder put out a press release announcing that 2006 postseason tickets were on sale.

The Thunder responded to the announcement by losing their next three games, to drop to 1-13 overall. Then things started looking up a bit; the team won seven of its next eight, top prospect Philip Hughes arrived on May 4, and, amazingly, by May 29 the Thunder had made it back to .500. The next three weeks saw Trenton win a couple, then lose a couple and oscillate around the .500 mark - as late as June 20 the Thunder were still 35-35 - but the team then went on a second extended streak of excellence. As I write this, the Thunder stand at 54-43, one game behind first-place Portland in the Eastern League’s Northern Division, and 6 1/2 games ahead of third-place Harrisburg in the postseason race (the top two teams in the division make it).

What happened? A couple of things:

1. In the 10-game losing streak at the start of the season, Trenton scored a total of 20 runs. Since then, the Thunder have scored more runs than any other team in the EL other than Portland, led by minor-league vet Randy Ruiz, prospect Eric Duncan - who finally seems to be living up to the hype - and OF Vince Faison. Duncan’s recovery, after a particularly difficult start at AAA, has re-established him on the prospect map; he is still just 21, and living up to some of the promise that has earned him the title of #1 Yankee prospect.
2. The pitching, which had its peaks and valleys, has been solidified with the arrival of Hughes, a return to form by Tyler Clippard - who has put together a string of solid starts recently - and the outstanding bullpen work of J. Brent Cox and Justin Pope. Trenton’s pitchers have allowed fewer runs than any other team in the EL.

Hughes’s numbers over his last seven starts are simply overwhelming: 42 2/3 IP, 19 hits, 3 ER, 12 BB, 54 K, 0.63 ERA. He’s 4-1 with two no-decisions (both of which Trenton won) in that span. The only issue with Hughes is that he’s thrown a lot of pitches, even though the Yankees are being cautious with the just-turned-20-YO’s arm; he has been removed on three occasions before reaching the sisth inning, even though he has been pitching well, because of pitch count concerns.

Trenton looks like the best team in the EL at this point. Who’da thunk it back on April 17 - other than Thunder management, that is?

Labels: baby bombers, yanquis

youtube plz

bischer prompted me to peek at yahoo's mlb page for some kiss cam news:

Alex Rodriguez finally got cheered again, and even had some fun.

The two-time AL MVP reached base three times and scored twice in the New York Yankees' 7-4 victory at Texas on Tuesday night, providing more signs of breaking out of his slump, and even entertaining the fans of his former team with a "Kiss Cam" performance.

When Rodriguez was shown on the giant video screen after the sixth inning, he reached over and playfully pecked teammate Andy Phillips on top of the head. The crowd, which has lustfully booed him this week, cheered after a smiling Rodriguez played along with the gag.

"That's the first kiss I've had in a long time. (The fans) loved it," said Rodriguez, whose struggles have led to plenty of boos at Yankee Stadium. He walked twice and was hit by a pitch.

"You better ask him how my hair tastes. It was funny," Phillips said. "I didn't know what he was doing, but that was fun. It's something I can tell my grandkids about." [ap]

first kiss in a long time? i can think of plenty of girls who'd volunteer to keep that drought from happening again.

Labels: yanquis

?

which i only am posting as it's come up in the stats somewhat often, of late. wishful googling, or is there something i'm missing?

Labels: birds on bat

congratulations to alex rodriguez on his 2000th hit and being the youngest player to hit 450 home runs, though i'm sure the media is instead focusing on his recent knoblauchian misfortunes... not that i'd know since i'm taking a vacation from the exercise in futility that is sifting through sports pages for some glimmer of positivity.

why do i bother reading the ny sports sections anymore?

:D

Rival GM: "We want Jose Tabata!"

Brian Cashman: "Tabata? Please. We're a half-game out of first, we've won eight of nine, Matsui is swinging a bat, Cabrera is awesome. You'll get nothing and like it."

Rival GM: "Give us Beam and Smith and Duncan."

Cashman: "Keep dreaming, brother. I have two Class A infielders and Matt DeSalvo for you. I'll throw in a tour of Monument Park."

The longer the Yankees stay hot, the more leverage Cashman has when out-of-their-mind types like Jim Bowden ask for Philip Hughes and Jose Tabata. The Yankees could stand to get a corner outfielder who can hit fifth or sixth. But as I write this, they're second in all of baseball in runs scored, second in OBP and fifth in OPS. [lohud yankees blog]

Labels: baby bombers, yanquis

saw this in the notes section of the yahoo game recap:

Two-time Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady had a seat right next to the Yankees' dugout.

so that he could compare notes with cappy on dating starlets, right? not 'cause he's a yankee fan or anything.

Labels: yanquis

the quote of the day

comes to you from one of my favorite baseball books, slouching toward fargo: "If the pussy gives you singles, go back to her the next night. If the pussy gives you home runs, marry her and make babies. Maybe get some sons." - Hector Villanueva, romance expert

Labels: quote of, things that are funny

this isn't even funny

The St. Louis Cardinals are expected to place former Orioles pitcher Sidney Ponson on release waivers tomorrow, after first designating him for assignment, which would allow him to sign with another team on Thursday.

Anyone want to guess where he winds up?

May I go first?

Don't be surprised, shocked or amazed if Ponson signs with the New York Yankees.

That's all I can say for now. Just don't be surprised.

Or shocked.

Or amazed.

OK, maybe amazed.

A lot can happen before Thursday, of course. The Cardinals could change course and decide to wait out the 10-day period before turning him loose. The Yankees could sign somebody else for their rotation.

But I'm submitting the Yankees as my pick. [roch around the clock]

Labels: birds on bat

Ria Cortesio is eager to get her first look at PNC Park -- the double-decked stands, the Roberto Clemente bridge in left field, the Allegheny River beyond the wall in right.

The fans packing the seats for the All-Star festivities will see something new, too: a woman umpire working on a major league field.

''I don't do this job to get on TV,'' she said this week. ''But I hope it will raise the awareness a little.''

In her fourth year at Double-A, Cortesio is the lone woman umpire in professional ball. Picked from the Southern League, she will be at third base Sunday when top minor league prospects play in the Futures Game.

On Monday night, she'll work one of the foul lines when David Ortiz, Ryan Howard and other sluggers compete in the Home Run Derby.

...At 29 and in her eighth year overall, Cortesio represents the majors' best -- and only, for now -- chance at its first woman umpire. There have been five other woman umps in pro ball, and Pam Postema got the closest to making it when she did spring training games in the late 1980s.

[ap]

i love wang.

and no, it never stops being funny.

i am pleased

good game, girls.

a moment of silence please

The other shoe, in the form of Sidney Ponson, dropped today. Jeff Weaver arrived in the clubhouse this afternoon, and by MLB rules he had to be activated once he arrived. That meant a move was required.

The move, as many people expected, was that Sidney Ponson was designated for assignment -- the same thing that happened to Weaver with the Angels. The Cards now have 10 days to trade Ponson, release him or send him outright to the Minor Leagues. He'd have to accept being outrighted, which is extremely unlikely.

Weaver will throw a bullpen today. He'll probably throw a simulated game or perhaps a bullpen on Sunday, and get a start after the break. [obviously, you're not a golfer]

i love my mother

her idea of a birthday card --

outside [picture of a hunky slab of pinstripe-jerseyed man]: "would you care for some cake?"
inside: "or would you rather lick the batter?"

<3

"btw could Ravech please mention one more time that Schilling isn't going to the ASG, while ignoring the fact that Mussina also isn't, despite the fact that Mussina is having a comparable or better year so far on pretty much all (useful) measurable bases save only K/BB? We didn't hear you the first four hundred thousand fucking times. What a complete prick." - juneh

Labels: quote of, yanquis

stve politi:

The whole world is not New York,” Rodriguez answered. “There are some people out there who like me, although some of you guys (in the media) don’t help, there are some people out there who like me.”

Whew. In one mouthful, he seemed to be indicating that the fans outside New York liked him better than the fans of his own team, and that the media were responsible for the way he was treated.

lisa olson:

"Well, the whole world is not New York," he said with a smile that suggested he was in on the joke. "There's some people out there who like me."

so, steve, i'd say that as long as there are quotes to misconstrue and fickle morons to lick your bitchy bile up, yeah, you're just a little bit responsible for the way he's treated.

Labels: team a-rod

quotes otd

“The idea is that in five years everyone will know who he is for the next 20.” -- brian cashman, on signing venezuelan uberprospect jesus montero

and this barry zito gem on the home run derby, courtesy of kim: "No, I don't think I'll do it, mainly because I want it to be fair," deadpanned Zito, who has one career hit. "I want it to be a real competition. I mean, I know Pujols and some other guys are hot, but that right-field porch in Pittsburgh is pretty much cake for a guy with my kind of pop. Albert would have no chance."

Labels: yanquis

Even when Alex Rodriguez carves out a Yankee moment, he barely has time to enjoy it. In the eyes of some, he always does something wrong. Last night, he offended the Mets by admiring the path of his grand slam for a second too long, then taking a scenic tour around the bases as the hyper-critical Stadium crowd drowned him in love.

By the time A-Rod neared home plate, his trot had slowed to a dull roar and the attitude Joe Torre calls "an inner conceit" was in full bloom. Yankee fans loved it, Paul Lo Duca not so much. The Mets catcher was mumbling loudly as A-Rod strolled down the third-base line. Rodriguez might not have heard or noticed Lo Duca at first, so delirious were the fans. It had been, what, an entire day since A-Rod hadn't messed up? They barely had a chance to boo him before he smoked a fat pitch the opposite way off Alay Soler in the third inning, the ball sailing into the bleachers, the Yankees going from two runs down to two runs up, the game and mood doing an about-face.

But now here was Lo Duca, cluttering the vibe. A-Rod jumped on the plate, ready to slap some Yankee hands. Lo Duca was smack in the happy pile, expressing his dissatisfaction. Words were exchanged with A-Rod and Jason Giambi, one of the runners who scored. In the end it was lots of posturing about nothing, though that's never really how it ends when A-Rod is involved. [lisa olson]

Labels: team a-rod, yanquis

was going through some old stuff and

this? "we'll get over it, sort of?" NOT SO MUCH.

quote of the day

"[arod] was booed heavily in each of his 4 failures to do anything at the plate. Had the turnout been 100% Yankee fans, the treatment of A-Rod might’ve been far worse." - gerard cstb

Labels: quote of

keith lolbermann

(sorry. i had to.)

"Pals and buddies? No, he has sex partners. He woos you by email, has lousy sex with you and then never sees you again. You feel like a fool and you feel used. I wonder how he feels. It doesn't seem to bother him because he does it again and again.

I hope he at least bought you dinner." [for this relief much thanks]

'tis bitter cold, and i am sick at heart. oh my.

Labels: boys behaving badly