why didn't i think of this?

hmm. "dear mr. rodriguez...."

from craigslist:

Pitch to me, Johan - w4m - 24
Reply to: anon-78205844@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-06-10, 10:17PM CDT


Dear Mr. Santana,

Hola! I am looking for a professional baseball player. Well, you're the one I've had my eye on for the last couple seasons, but really, any major-leaguer will do. But you're my favorite.

I am offering my services as a mistress. I know you're married - probably happily so. That's ok. A mistress is classy. A mistress is something you have when you've got some extra money and you're away from home a lot, and you still get to keep your wife! It's two women for the price of... well, two.

All I need from you is some attention. I just need you to buy me some pretty things on occasion. Make me feel important. Get me some good seats at games when you're pitching at the Dome. Ideally, you would buy me enough things so that I would be able to quit my job.

It's my dream to become a full-time baseball mistress.

I am a Twins fan. A huge fan of yours. And I want to please you in any way I can.

Yours,
Mistress Rebecca

quotes of the morning

"They're not bringing Randy Levine and Brian Cashman down [to Tampa] just so everyone can eat corned beef hash together at the pancake house." - One Person with Intimate Knowledge of the Yankees' Operations

nevermind the questionable source, that's a cozy mental picture!


"I just think (the umpires) favor the Yankees all the time. I'm getting (ticked) about that. They (kiss) up to them. They are the cream of the crop." - Steve Kline

because, you know, it's not like there was a balk call made on a yankee pitcher earlier in the game.


"The players have to want to win as much as I do." - He Who Must Not Be Named

yeah, i bet they're sick of all that wanting to win crap. it's much more fun to collect your paycheck, hang out in hotel bars and chase skirts.


"This really is a flashpoint of this season. These meetings need to be productive, free of panic and impulse, because the East really is there for the Yankees to steal. It shouldn't be. Someone should have run away and hidden by now. No one has. The Yankees need to formulate a game plan for the season's final three months based in logic and sound baseball reasoning. - Mike Vaccaro

logic? sound reasoning? too much to ask!

Labels: quote of, yanquis

stick a fork in him

9.62 K/9
.152 BAA
0.93 WHIP
0.93 ERA

oh, and ps -- memo to george steinbrenner: i engaged in extensive retail therapy over the weekend as a result of emotional trauma inflicted by your organization. i will be sending you a bill. thanks!

Labels: yanquis

per gawker:

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bronx Is Gentrifying
Filed under Media : New York Times

With the hipsters moving to the Upper East Side, where’s left for a self-respecting yuppie to live? The “SoBro,” of course. Says the Times:

Yes, it’s the very South Bronx that had a reputation for grinding poverty, rampant arson, runaway crime and as the starting point of Tom Wolfe’s race-relations nightmare, “The Bonfire of the Vanities,” which chronicles what happens to a Master of the Universe driving with his mistress in his Mercedes-Benz on a creepy Bruckner Boulevard.

Well, Bruckner and the blocks nearby now boast two tidy bars that a Master of the Universe would feel more than comfortable patronizing, including one, the Bruckner Bar and Grill, that offers pear and arugula salad.

There are a dozen antique shops, at least one new lively art gallery, Haven Arts, to join three older ones, and a cafe partly owned by a resourceful Dominican immigrant that sells bourgeois bohemian delights like croissants and veggie wraps.

You had us at pear and arugula salad.

!

put tony womack out of our misery.

poll

which is more unbelievable:

A) Bot 8th: NY Yankees
- R. Sierra grounded out to second, R. Cano scored, D. Jeter to second
- A. Rodriguez singled to left, D. Jeter scored, G. Sheffield to second
- H. Matsui doubled to deep right, G. Sheffield scored, A. Rodriguez to third
- B. Williams tripled to deep center, A. Rodriguez, H. Matsui and R. Johnson scored
- J. Posada homered to deep right, B. Williams scored
- G. Sheffield homered to deep left, D. Jeter and R. Sierra scored
- A. Rodriguez homered to deep right
- H. Matsui homered to deep center

B) "we spent the entire game chatting and hugging and kissing and high-fiving with Isaac Mizrahi. Yes that Isaac Mizrahi."

Labels: yanquis

don't call it a comeback

as i read that our old pal gerald williams has been called up to play for the ml metsies, naturally the first thing that popped into my extraordinarily mature mind was "REMATCH!"

i'm getting all verklempt

thanks for bringing this to my attention, kb:

Posada [in a recent SI thing on Alex Rodriguez] on the whole "no Yankee defended A-Rod" after the Sux's bashing of him: "The reason we didn't say much was because we wanted it to go away. If we answer them, then they answer us, and it keeps going on and on. It wasn't because we're not behind him. It wasn't because we don't love him. And we told Alex that." Hear that, haters? Posada used the L word -- I don't care how much a phony you are to the press, you don't drop a term like that on someone you hate.

Labels: team a-rod

because

i don't feel like acknowledging that.. whatever the hell that was in the bronx tonight, i am instead going to pass on an innarestin excerpt from jean hastings ardell's book, Breaking Into Baseball: Women and the National Pastime:

...Another essential gender distinction was noticed by art critic Vanalyne Green when she first entered a ballpark (Yankee Stadium, 1984): heterosexual women appreciate the presence of those marvelous ballplayers on the field in a way that their lesbian sisters and heterosexual brethren do not. Elinor Nauen's anthology Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend: Women Writers on Baseball offers numerous testimonials on this point. In her short story of 1912, "A Bush League Hero," Edna Ferber writes, "when I say that Rudie Schlachweiler was a dream even in his baseball uniform, with a dirty brown streak right up the side of his pants where he had slid for base, you may know that the girls camped on the grounds during the season." In "Why I Love Baseball," Carol Tavris writes, "As a group, baseball players are beautiful to behold. They do not have to be padded or born to the size of the Incredible Hulk; baseball players wear simple, sleek uniforms that reveal the natural physique." And as Bernadette Mayer muses in her ode to Carlton Fisk: "Oh, the legs of a catcher!" Women, Nauen suggests, get more out of baseball than men, "who mostly aren't interested in ogling." The fact that the ballpark offers women a safe place from which to eye ballplayers may not be, in these days, a politically correct idea, but it remains a distinguishing factor in women's appreciation of the game. For example, Eliot Asinof, the author of Eight Men Out, regrets the penchant that many of today's players show for tight-fitting uniforms. In this, he fears, a player gives up an advantage on close pitches: "The pitch brushes your loose-fitting uniform, and you get first base! Tight pants changed the face of American spectator sports," declared Asinof. "There is a tailor in the locker room who measure the players' butts and thighs with a micrometer... Every ballplayer gets fitted so that he can be as appealing as possible to the women in the stands."

Vanalyne Green discovered another gender distinction when she first visited Yankee Stadium. She still remembers her involuntary Oh-my-God sense of astonishment as she looked down at the field. Why, she wondered, had no one told her it was shaped like a womb? For Green, entering the ballpark felt like "walking into a body, a closed space, so from the get-go it's gendered female in a sort of deeply unconscious way," she explained. "Then there were all these circles and spheres, and the cyclical nature of baseball... The first time I ever saw all the zeros at the beginning of the season, it was 'oh, my God' all over again. Rebirth, the idea that you get to try all over again, was another aspect of baseball that was not male." (As we will see shortly, Green was on to something here.) She became so engaged by the game that she spent three years filming the video A Spy in the House That Ruth Built, in which she explores the tensions between baseball's elemental femaleness and her sense of being an intruder in a game dominated by men.

i'd type up more about the roots of baseball in fertility rituals but i'd much rather go off and google for pictures of my favorite players in tight pants.

belated thanks carl!

i always wanted to knock enrique wilson on his ass:

ladies and gentlemen...

...i present to you, for your reading pleasure, one of the funniest pieces of broadcaster babble i have ever heard. it easily would have been the funniest had i not grown up listening to the REAL scooter. (edited slightly to emphasize vocal inflections)

Joe Buck: Now, obviously, you're talking about one of the best (Jeter) leaders in the game today, somebody who is just a winner, and somebody who - when he came up in his rookie year in '96 - just had that look about him like he'd been here before. Jeter has been one of the most consistent players in the game over the past nine years.

Tim McCarver: At the risk of going ga-ga too much, I mean, this guy is THOROUGHLY hip. He is about as hip, to use that young expression, as there is any player in the game. He's tough, he's rugged, he is a winner, he's a guy who makes the big plays, and he has four World Series titles to his credit.

JB: Clearly the two of us are thoroughly in love with Derek Jeter!

TM: Ah, c'mon! I knew, see, when I say 'at the risk of going ga-ga' I knew that you would point out that I was going ga-ga.

JB: Well I was over there too, I was in Ga-Ga Land, too. (With a broadcaster tone dripping with sarcasm.) He's a winner, he's a born leader, this is a LIVE Yankeeography...

TM: (Laughs uncomfortably)

JB: ...24 home runs, this handsome, debonair, swashbuckling...

TM: Quit it!

JB: ...last guy to wear number 2 for the Yankees hit back in 1999. HE is Derek Jeter and HE [deliberate pause for dramatic effect] is out. One away here in the third inning.

TM: Cut it out! (More forced laughter.)

JB: SOMEHOW Glendon Rusch got him to ground out! ...[voice takes on a flat affect] And here's Womack. Ga-ga land is shut down for Tony Womack. The rides are closed. [courtesy of singapore sox fan]

wonderfully reminiscent of the timeless tomato nation "Derek Jeter blowing a bubble, ladies and gentlemen -- just a little bubble, a modest bubble, a bubble that reflects Jeter's well-adjusted and down-to-earth upbringing as the successful product of an interracial relationship, a bubble that says, 'I love America and also my mom" diatribe.


honorable mention goes to:

- buck, on arod making a nice play immediately after it was revealed rodriguez and robin ventura recently had dinner together: "calling robin ventura... calling robin ventura!"
- buck, after discussing matsui's insane offensive tear post-ankle-turning: "[deliberate pause] word is that none of the yankees have thought yet about turning the ankle of giambi."

Labels: quote of, yanquis

Stottlemyre said Wang is one of the easiest pitchers he's ever had to coach. It's easy to see why, especially if he keeps pitching into the seventh inning, as he has done four times this season. But Wang doesn't say much. Instead, he listens closely when Stottlemyre offers advice. Usually, as he did yesterday, Stottlemyre will receive only a nod in response.

"Maybe he's fooling me," Stottlemyre said. "Sometimes he nods his head and I wonder if he really understands." [newark star ledger]

am i the only one who hopes he's not comprehending a single word mel utters?

Labels: yanquis

you weirdos

searches that led to this here blog:
derek jeters penis size
bob wickman fat fuck
mientkiewicz fuck
derek jeters penis
snare ball penis
tino martinez penis
jason varitek bulge
sexy reggie sanders
mike mussina groupies
leo mazzone mental illness

A MOMENT OF SILENCE PLEASE

FOR THE JETER GRAND SLAM GRAPHIC



GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE

attn world

if anyone is recording today's cubs-yankees game, i NEED an exact transcription of the "we are thoroughly in love with derek jeter" conversation. NEED IT.

Labels: yanquis

Caribbean guy: Hey, I'm looking for a Jason Ghi-ambi baseball bat.
Store guy: An autographed bat?
Caribbean guy: I'm not paying fifty dollars for no bat.
Store guy: What do you need the bat for?
Caribbean guy: I just really need to bash someone's head in, you know what I'm saying?
Store guy: You don't need a Jason Giambi bat for that. Any of these bats can be used for bashing someone in the head.

--Triangle Sports, Flatbush [overheard in new york]

bwaha

"Even Kevin Brown couldn't sabotage one of the proudest days in Yankee history. Even more unbelievably, Jason Giambi capped it. -- michael morrissey

Labels: quote of, yanquis

nomaas.org. mhm.

is it hot in here or is it just me

M. Mussina 9.0 IP 5 H 0 R 0 ER 1 BB 6 K

C. Carpenter 9.0 IP 1 H 0 R 0 ER 1 BB 10 K

Labels: yanquis

UGH

[stick michael] basically explained he is completely 100 percent out of the loop as [mike and the mad dog] just marveled at the fact he is no longer involved. He then went on to state he is totally willing to help the Yankees in any possible way, but they don't apparantly need him right now.

Labels: yanquis

mind wandering

seriously

So Tino returns to Busch Stadium, back into the bosom of the best fans in baseball, and he is booed roundly. None of the smattering of boos that Edgar got, no sir, these were heartfelt and thunderous boos that were completely out of character for St. Louis fans who by tradition honor all who have worn the birds-on-bat. Frankly, and let me be blunt, it was one of the few times I was embarrassed by the behavior of Cardinal fans.

Tino Martinez wasn't a bad guy. He tried hard. He did some very positive things while he was here. There were rumors - never substantiated - that he was a "clubhouse cancer", but as the years pass the supporting facts for those rumors erode. He didn't take steroids. He didn't drown puppies, and for all intents and purposes he was an upright guy. He just didn't hit the ball as he was expected to. For this great transgression, he seems to have earned the unleavened fury of Cardinal fans.

Perhaps there are deep and profound sociological reasons that would cause these fans to be so angry with Tino, but that profundity is lost on me. As far as I can determine, Tino Martinez gave it the old Harvard try during his two years here, and is despised for it.

He, as are Walt Jocketty and Tony LaRussa and you and me, are human. We make mistakes. Sometimes we excel. Sometimes we don't. If we were perfect there would be no sports. Albert Pujols - no, Scott Seabol - would be batting 1.000 with 200 rbi's by the all-star break. All of our pitchers would be 12-0 with 0.00 ERA's. There would be no mystery, no excitement, no wonder to the game in which we regularly celebrate 3 in 10 performances.

If people want to boo, I guess it is their right, but I wish they would save it for those who have truly earned such a massive show of disrespect. I'll be the first to boo knuckleheads like Carlos Zambrano . I don't think much of Dusty Baker. If I were a Cub fan, I would have booed Sammy Sosa out of the Midwest when he left Wrigley Field prior to the start of the last game of the 2004 forlorn hope on the northside. Conversely, Tino Martinez has done nothing, and let me repeat the word "nothing", to earn the enmity of the best fans in baseball.

To quote from Warren Oates in the movie Stripes, "Lighten up, Francis." Tino isn't even close to the worst thing that happened to the St. Louis Cardinals , and he certainly doesn't deserve to be booed. I hope cooler heads will prevail for the remaining two games of the series and Tino is able to leave St. Louis with a least a modicum of the respect he might otherwise have had for us. [rex duncan]

Labels: birds on bat

i don't know what's more disturbing

the attempted roll call theft, or that lisa olson is lately all mets all the time:

The infielders were primed, the outfielders set. But the chants never gained speed; in fact, they never even took off.

Maybe it was a one-game deal, a spoof. Some would call it blatant theft of obvious genius. Where's the tampering police? The copyright infringement cops? Bleacher Creatures in the Bronx might even label it gauche, if they knew how to pronounce the word.

Relax, Yankee fans. The roll call is safe. Dwellers in the orange seats at Shea tried it on for size the other night, but apparently didn't like the fit. The Mets weren't sure how to react. Most touched the brims of their hats when their names were called in a simpatico style. Others, like Jose Reyes, either didn't hear the chorus, or chose to ignore it. Reyes promised to be ready in the future, just in case a Bronx tradition made the trek to Queens. [lisa olson]

lick it up

irritating that people will whine about "clutchness" or pile ons or his personality or the way he breathes with runners on first and third with two outs when mars is in the first house.

this weekend: screwing the blouse man

lupe_velez said...

i'm fretting slightly. i might be a little more in-like with the cardinals than i thought. :/

or maybe it's more along the lines of my childhood sweetheart's not doing much for me lately and this newish boy next door's been looking mighty tasty. yeah, that's it.


June said...

that's exactly how i've felt about them for how many years now!! I always say the yankees are my long term high-school sweetheart always-will-be-my love and the cardinals are my torrid on-vacation affair. :o

this exchange on june's blog reminded me of the schmaltzy flick a walk on the moon: diane lane as the conflicted jewish milf, liev schreiber as her attractive but hopelessly square husband, and viggo mortensen as the dreamy goy blouse man who catches her eye. the moment of truth scene, slightly edited....


: Who are they?
: You don't know them.
: Well, where are they from?
: Saint Louis.
: Saint LOUIS? You've never even been to the midwest! Who's their captain?
: I don't think they have one...
: You don't think they have one! What the gosh darn heck kind of team is that?
: One that's 37 and 20 with a real live centerfielder?
: anybody want to buy a blouse?

***

and while karen suggested the Chicken play the anna paquin role, i was thinking something more along the lines of

: Are you and Daddy gonna get a divorce?
: I don't know, baby. Sometimes, things happen between people that make it impossible for them to stay together.
: Look, Mama, I know Daddy's a big square, but he's still Daddy!

Labels: birds on bat, screwing the blouse man, yanquis

can't anybody here play this game?

It's easy to make a fetish of fundamentals, and those who do often overstate their case. It's better to be talented than sound, and talent can overcome a bad game plan and bad execution. But of all teams, the Yankees should appreciate the fruits of a talented team that doesn't give away outs in the field and at the plate. Avoiding doing so, making the most of every at-bat, is how the team won four World Series in five years.

As bad as things have been for the Yankees, there hasn't been much speculation about Joe Torre. There probably should be. A team's lack of talent or desire or luck can't be held against a manager, but what can and should be is careless play and a failure to get the most out of the talent on hand. Never the greatest tactician, Torre's strength for nearly a decade has been his ability to get the most out of veteran players. If he's not doing that, what use is he? [tim marchman]

Labels: yanquis

another quote of the day

"Womack kills rallies. He even kills some before they are conceived. He's a rally control pill."

-- nyyfans poster

Labels: quote of

quote of the day

"i wouldn't wait six hours for ANYTHING. [pause] except dinner with A-Rod."

-- my ma

Labels: quote of

listless

dear yankees:

look, i know it's hard to get into a game against the royals, but could you at least try to look interested?

thanks.

Labels: yanquis