why i'll never read a baseball book in public again

matt nokes came up in conversation last night and of course, it reminded me of this priceless exchange of a few months ago:

[i'm sitting on a bench at a local train station, flipping through my newest baseball book and waiting for a new york train]

guy [saunters up nonchalantly]: hey, are you familiar with the schedule? to new york? i'm familiar with it monday through friday, just not on the weekends.

me [staring, because he'd just walked right past the giant sign with the schedule plastered all over it]: it runs every hour saturdays. it should be here around 2:30.

guy: dammit! i was hoping it would be here sooner...

me [clearly irritated and gesturing toward the train rumbling up]: that's the BAY HEAD train.

guy: heh heh, i could tell, uh, [walking away dialing phone selfimportantly] because of the direction it's going in.

[i go back to my book and guy proceeds to scream and yell about his divorce on the phone about 15 feet away. about 40 minutes later.........]

guy: heh, well, it's 2:30 and there's no train!

me [rolleyes]: 2:36, it's supposed to come.

guy: oh! [pause] what's your name? you have very pretty hair! do you do that yourself? are you irish? oh, half irish? what's the other half? oh! why are you going to the city? going out to dinner? meeting a boy? a girl? is she nice? ha ha, i was about to say something completely inappropriate! what do you do? oh, you're a DO GOODER! don't they like, shit themselves? sorry. where are you from? lakewood? are you jewish? were you the only white girl in your high school? it's okay, i grew up outside of newark and i was the only white guy in my high school and it sucked! what are you reading? [pause] wait a minute. you didnt hear that conversation i was having did you? THANK GOD. i'm just going through a divorce right now and all my friends are picking sides. but they should pick ME. even though i made some bad decisions*.... well. i'm losing my house, i fucking LOVE my house. and now i'm living in an apartment in fucking manasquan... i'm just going through a really emotional time right now. [pause] baseball! can i look? this is some heavy shit, jenny! i couldn't read this. wow. what does abstract mean? what team do you like? yankees? i have yankees tickets! who's your favorite player? scott rolen?! couldn't you pick someone cuter than scott rolen? he didn't even PLAY last year, how could you like him? come on, who's your all time favorite player? not mariano, go back further than that! mattingly right? matt NOKES!? he wasn't a bad catcher, he was a great power hitter! he had like 30 home runs one year! great answer jenny! so do you have a boyfriend? girlfriend? how old are you? why arent you married? you're not interested? in anything? with anyone? is this your way of telling me you're not going to give me your number? oh. [our train fucking finally rolls up] can i carry your bag for you?

me: NO.

*from what i gathered he cheated on his wife. which, you know, is one of the first things i look for in a man.

Labels: birds on bat, me me me, yanquis