soft hands.


stumbled across this in a nyyfans thread on bad baseball announcers:

Fox Sports -- you know how, every time you cut to Derek Jeter and he's standing around in short left, chewing his bubble gum or adjusting his cup or doing a little infield-dirt housekeeping with his foot or just generally minding his own shortstoppy business out there, you Vaseline up the lens so it looks like he's got a halo around his entire body and pipe in the sounds of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" with the words "Derek Jeter" substituted for the "hallelujah" parts while CGI cherubs circle his head, and then he blows a little bubble and the little bubble has a halo too and McCarver's all "Derek Jeter blowing a bubble, ladies and gentlemen -- just a little bubble, a modest bubble, a bubble that reflects Jeter's well-adjusted and down-to-earth upbringing as the successful product of an interracial relationship, a bubble that says, 'I love America and also my mom'" while one of the cherubs alights on the bubble and begins to play the harp, and a stat pops up at the bottom of the screen telling us how many times Derek Jeter cured cancer with men in scoring position and McCarver's all "Derek Jeter doesn't litter, do drugs, return videos without rewinding them, or leave the toilet seat up. He cooks, does windows, goes to chick flicks without complaint, enjoys kittens and babies, can do the Times Sunday crossword in pen in under ten minutes, drives a sensible electric car, tips generously, and has no noticeable odor. He is, in short, a man without flaw. Did I mention that he's also extremely handsome?" and we cut to Queen Elizabeth in the stands, sword in hand, ready to knight him after the game as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir intones, "Aaaaahhhhh-meeeeeennn"? Yeah…that? Quit it with that. I mean it. He's a good shortstop, he's cute, and by all accounts he's a very nice guy, but stop slobbering on him, because it makes everyone hate him -- everyone. Even his dad is probably staring at the TV and grumbling, "Goddamn pretty boy." I don't think you even realize that you do that, but you do, and it's gross. Stop. [tomato nation]
6:01 PM :: ::
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